There’s a reason why expats stick together. It’s not because we prefer to befriend a fellow foreigner. It’s not because local people aren’t nice. Most of the time, it’s because we are in the same boat and it’s easier for a fellow expat to understand just how hard it is to live in a foreign country.

Put a few expats together and you’ll hear about their struggles (depending on their location) in so many aspects – security, foreign exchange, administration problems (think visas and permits), financial difficulties, cultural shocks, quality of life (or lack of it), loneliness, broken links with family and friends back home, and so much more..

I write extensively about the positive aspects of living an expat wife life. But it is a misconception that all expats live better lives, make more money and live fancy jet-setting lifestyles. There isn’t a single expat who doesn’t struggle living away from our own home. Most of us expat wives are in a situation that we have no choice over. Even the men aren’t always having the best of the days at work.

We are just making the best of the situation we are in.

A long time ago, during one of my weaker spirited days, I had read this -

Most folks are about as happy as they make up their minds to be.

- Abraham Lincoln (1809 – 1865)

We can take life as it comes and decide to be happy. Or we can dwell on our problems and let them make us feel miserable. I’m guilty of doing alot of the latter although I ramble alot about having a positive attitude in life. I make a huge effort to do the former every day. And sometimes, a big slice of cake or a glass of wine will help make it easier. =)
 

A very close friend of mine doesn’t read my blog. The same friend who will take a day off to spend time with me just to chat refuses to find time to read a few words on my blog every day.

She says it’s because she doesn’t think it’s real. She says I pick out all the best bits in my life and write about them like that is my life. It’s fraud, she jokingly said. Because when we spend a day together, my updates have none of that pleasant stuff I put online. The stuff she gets to hear is therefore real.

Which set me thinking that if sharing and documenting only the best bits in life means I’m a fraud. Then wouldn’t all bloggers be frauds. How much of our lives and thoughts do we really display for the world to see?

Do we tell the world when we are having a bad day? Sure, but not without a bit of optimism thrown in to avoid sounding like a ranting lunatic online. Do we share when our kids are being a nightmare? Sure, but not without injecting in a huge load of humour at the same time. Do we want to bitch about our mean boss at work? Careful, potential backlash! Do we want to talk about the huge quarrel we just had with our husband or boyfriend? Let’s see if our eyes can stop swelling first.. Do we want to admit if a family member has an addiction? Do we want to admit we are struggling with money? Do we want to admit that the photograph we put online is the only one in 100 shots that was good? Do we want to write about the problems we have with our parents, our in-laws? Do we want to write about failed friendships? Do we want to write about the disappointments and frustrations in life?

Do we always tell the truth? Is omission by default a form of lying? Then by default, does that also make a blogger a fraud?

Well, perhaps fraud is a strong word since there is no real deception or harm done. But I know so many bloggers who would filter our words and only write about selective topics.

I know I don’t write about unhappy things because I read my blog history often and I don’t like reading my own sob stories. But it doesn’t mean that life is all peaches and honey. I love my life but it doesn’t mean there aren’t days where I feel every decision I’ve made has been wrong. I love my family but it doesn’t mean they don’t ever break my heart. I strive to be a good stepmother but it doesn’t mean I love the role and doesn’t mean it doesn’t come with alot of pain and heartache. I love being a housewife but it doesn’t mean I have no money problems. I cherish my life and count my blessings, but it doesn’t mean that I have everything I want.

Statistics have shown that if if you write about shitty stuff in life, like death, abuse, addictions, infertility, pediatric illnesses, etc, you may get more blog hits because people are drawn to sad or bad news. Perhaps I should write about bad stuff sometimes. Maybe then my friend will read my blog. LOL!
 

I wish I can say I am an amazing selfless person..

I’ve had debates with people recently on what is volunteerism. This is kind of ironic for me because before we moved to South Africa, I didn’t even know the word “volunteer”. I never did anything unless I was going to get paid in some way for it.

And then South Africa worked its magic into my life and I started giving back in a way that I didn’t know I was capable of. I turned into a person I myself couldn’t recognise. If you’ve read all my posts on the work I’ve done, you would know that I never take any personal credit for it. I wish I can say I’m an amazing selfless person. But that would be a joke because I am one of the most self centred people I know. Which is why I call what I have become as “my calling”. I have no idea why I got motivated to do the stuff I did. All I can say is, I do admit that it made me happy to see others happy and it gave me a quiet sense of satisfaction that made me sleep better at night.
 

What is real “giving”?

I’ve done a variety of work. I’ve rallied for donations for clothes, shoes, books, toys, etc and personally lugged tons of these things to the underprivileged communities. I’ve run auctions to raise funds. I’ve rallied for food supplies for starving children. I’ve shot for the Help Portrait movement. I believe that all the work.. however big or small.. was important. But in my heart, the one that was the most important was Help Portrait.

Help Portrait taught me that regardless of the environment people are in or the wealth they have (or not have), the things that are truly the most important and the best gift one can receive is respect, love, hope and a sense of dignity.

You give but little when you give of your possessions.
It is when you give of yourself that you truly give.
- Kahlil Gibran, 1883-1931

I’ve learnt from my time spent in townships and under privileged communities that the best things I can give to them are not tangible. It’s not the clothes.. or the books.. or the shoes.. or the blankets I’ve given that matter the most.

What truly matters is my time. It’s my smile. It’s my hand, my touch. It’s fulfilling my promise when I said I will return. It’s letting my window screen down in the car and waving as soon as I arrive without worrying if a gun may appear in my face. It’s hugging a child without worrying if he is filthy or if he has HIV/Aids. It’s showing that I trust them as my friends that will take care of me as I wander in their communities with my camera in my hand. It’s letting them know that I care and believe in them and I am proud of them.
 

Why I write about it all..

Honestly? To remember the whole experience.. to remember how I grew as a person and what I’ve learnt.. to educate, motivate and hopefully inspire others to do the same.. and perhaps in a way, to shock everyone to see a reality that had shocked me when I first moved to South Africa.. that on the other side of my comfortable world is another world that needs lots of love and attention.
 

Every time I see a comment from readers saying that my life is perfect and how envious they are of it, I laugh.

There’s only been one moment in my entire life where I felt that my life was absolutely perfect. Every single thing was going so well. I had my life completely under control. It was a moment where I thought I owned my life and nothing could make it better. I was blissfully happy. And then 2 weeks later, it all came crashing down and I was in so much pain for so long from then on that I was completely humbled.

It was an awakening. A wake up call. That year, I was in so much misery and life became so hard all of a sudden that I finally realised that no one’s life was meant to be perfect. It’s true what they say.. that God is fair.. every one must have shit in their lives. No one gets to live a perfect life while others get shit. We all have the same amount of pain, struggles and misery. It’s the stuff that makes one stronger, older and wiser. Not the bubbly happy moments. If you haven’t had any shit in your life yet, wait for it. It’s coming. I’ll put my money on it.

Which is why I’m somewhat of a skeptic. I don’t believe in a perfect life. I don’t have expectations of things being good all the time. It’s like what I read in a book called the Mayor of Casterbridge -

The biggest lesson I’ve learnt in my 30s is appreciating the small doses of happy moments in life and magnifying them. It’s why I write this blog. I jot down every good moment, experience and loving thought. I brush aside the unhappiness, frustrations and struggles in life. In the process, I can feel contented, fulfilled and grateful. And years from now, when I read my blog or when our kids or grandkids read it, we will all remember that we were happy. And not angry, bitter, sour and sore.

In one of my favourite books called The How of Happiness by Sonja Lyubomirsky, there are 5 Hows behind sustainable happiness. The first How is Positive Emotion. And it began with a quote by Benjamin Franklin -

Being sustainably happy isn’t about the next car, house, Prada bag or iPad. It’s about enjoying the small pleasures that occur in life every day. Over the recent Christmas, we struggled with finances and decided to skip Christmas presents for each other. We bought clothes and shoes for the kids instead. Our boy was dreadfully sick and we were grateful and happy for the time we were able to spend by his side nursing him. It was a happy moment, although difficult.

In the new year ahead, I would like to resolve to hold positive emotion in my heart. I want to love my family more. I want to give back more to the African communities. I want to do more good with my camera and make it more about people this year, not just about beautiful sunsets. I want to find some inner peace and learn to meditate. I want to be calmer, less angry and more gracious as a person.

I just did a search for my resolutions for 2011, and realised I had almost the exact same resolutions last year! Perhaps I am getting old and stale. =)
 

I almost never write about the hard bits in our lifestyle while we live as expatriates in foreign countries.

It’s because firstly, this blog is where I have decided to keep predominantly a place for my positive thoughts. Secondly, I also don’t like to whine about all the stuff that make us feel frustrated and stressed out because we’ve had our share of good blessings and I feel it’s more appropriate to focus on the good stuff.

But recently a close friend said something to me that made me realise that perhaps it’s because I don’t talk about the rough bits of living overseas, especially in South Africa.. that everyone must think that we live as fancy expatriates in a bubble that’s a perfect class of its own as compared to the rest of the people in the country. Well, they couldn’t be more wrong.

Oh, we ARE in the South African system of life. Trust me. There is no way you can get away from it. Rich or poor. Expat or local. And life here is filled with hiccups. There is always something going wrong. EVERY SINGLE DAY.

You name it.. transport system, or the lack of it.. or the inefficiency of it.. water cut offs.. electricity cut offs.. traffic lights breaking down.. accidents.. food shortages.. toxicity in water.. crime and security incidents.. stolen items through the postal service.. missing luggage at the airport.. retarded internet connection after being promised and paying for supersonic speed.. or just simply ignorance or inefficiency across every point of customer service contact in this country.

It drove me crazy when we first moved here. I reacted as a typical Singaporean would – This is unacceptable!!

The weird part was discovering that when things go wrong in this country, people don’t scream.. jump.. shout.. threaten to sue.. threaten to complain.. threaten to have the staff fired.. or threaten to go to the press. Well, most people don’t. Most of them, if not all.. would do the African thing – which is shrug it off, maybe curse a little and then say “TIA”. Which is short for “This is Africa”. If you’ve watched the movie, Blood Diamonds (starring Leonardo Dicaprio), you would recognise this phrase.

It’s a behaviour I couldn’t understand as a Singaporean. We come from a place that does not accept anything short of excellent quality and standard. I couldn’t understand why people let inefficiency slide. Why they allow things to happen slowly. Why they allow water and power cuts to happen and simply stock their homes with giant 5-litre bottles of water and their own small power generators instead. I wondered why they didn’t choose to put their foot down and demand the progress and standard in life that would raise their country to a higher level in economic progress.

But now I’ve been here for a year. I know why. It’s because their way of life is the reason why South Africans are happy people. Why they always have a smile for everyone. Why they have the mood to say Hello, how are you? to everyone they see on the street. Why they are always in a good mood.

And this message I saw on the plastic bag of a shop says it all for the South Africans.

If there is one country that deserves the right to be angry, it’s South Africa. The shit they’ve gone through as a country and is still going through is crazy. The promises that have been made to the people that were not fulfilled. The hope they were led to have but were eventually left disappointed. But yet, the people are all about forgiveness and graciousness. Incidentally, while my own country was going mob-crazy over a technical glitch in the transportation system last Friday, South Africa was celebrating Reconciliation Day. A day to be grateful, to be gracious and to forgive.

I have utmost respect for this country. It may be technologically behind and not as economically strong as many other countries, but it has built a gracious nation.

If there is one thing I hope to learn from my time spent here, it would be to be as grateful and gracious, and to be always in a good mood.
 

I seldom whine or bitch on my blog but I’m going to make an exception here.

So there I was all packed and ready to go onboard to go home to Singapore for a break, when of all days to happen, the aircraft bound for Singapore on the day I was to be on it had a mechanical fault.

I found out that a bird or maybe even a flock of birds had crashed into the engine of the aircraft and it was stuck at Cape Town for servicing and repair. I visualised a bunch of bloody small bones and feathers trapped in the engine. *shudders*

So the wait was going to be long. They gave a new estimated time of departure as 4 hours later. I was disappointed. A little upset that it had to happen because I was hungry and was looking forward to eating my meal onboard. Yes, I’m greedy like that. But mostly because I had a day of activities planned for the next day when I arrived in Singapore. Our boy was going to have to spend half a day waiting at home for me, instead of us going out to have a great time. Sigh.

Spent 5 hours lurking in OR Tambo Airport, Johannesburg because of the flight delay

There was nothing I could do about it. So I just waited it out, processed a bunch of pictures and wrote a blog post. I figured all 300+ passengers would be doing the same. I was wrong.

When it was time for boarding, I arrived at the gate to find a bunch of irate passengers. They were fussing and cursing. All kinds of unpleasant words were used to describe the airline. They made the airline sound incompetent, unreasonable and unfair. This was the point where I got upset. At one point, I turned to this huge, middle-aged white guy who looked like a businessman and was ranting loudly and I said very sternly to him, “Didn’t the airline tell you why they had a delay?” That jerk mumbled, “Yeah, they said it was a mechanical fault.” and turned away quickly. He didn’t have the guts to look at me in the eye. Asshole.

I seriously don’t understand why people behave so badly. I get it if they were kids. When I was much younger, I too would whine and curse every time I was inconvenienced. But by the time you start to develop wrinkles in your face and gray in your hair, isn’t it time to be a little more mellow and kind? At our age, haven’t we seen enough in life to know when things are beyond anyone’s control and people are genuinely trying, versus when things are really unreasonable and it’s time to create a big fuss?

The airline had apologised profusely, provided a new time for departure (and met that promise) and provided meals for the passengers. Constant effort was also made to redirect passengers to new connecting flights. I can never understand why passengers can continue to be displeased. Are they so ignorant that they cannot understand that if there’s a dead bird in the engine, the aircraft cannot take off? Or do they think that aircrafts are like taxis and the airline can bring another one in instantly if one is spoilt?

When it was time to board and the airline staff let a lady with a child in a pram board first, a bunch of passengers actually got upset! WTF! It was disgusting to hear the remarks they made. Why does it even matter if they let a child board first or not? The plane will not take off until everyone is onboard anyway! If our boy was with me, I can bet he would have said to these people, “Hey! Relax lah!”. Hahaha..

The saddest part of it all was that this wasn’t some budget airline. It was a reputable one and most of the passengers on it looked like they were educated and affluent. Some were obviously businessmen. And some looked old and distinguished. Well, it was a classic case of money, education or age cannot buy class, grace and good manners. Or perhaps, for some folks, life is so stressful and they are so high strung that they have no tolerance for hiccups.

I am amused at how staying calm can smoothen away the glitches in life. I wrote a long blog post before I boarded. Had a lovely flight in the end. Found a few hours of sleep. Arrived safely and landed in the arms of my parents. Reached home to find our boy waiting at home for me to come back. And had a wonderful rest of the day with him.

I wonder if that middle-aged businessman spent the rest of his day bitching to everyone about what a horrible airline he had flown with. Haha..

Age with grace, humility and kindness. It’s the best way to do it.
 

So yeah, we got into a car accident on my birthday.

It was terribly unfortunate after we had had such a great morning at the Shwe Shwe Poppi Centre.

We spent the afternoon with the police and at the garage.

Photo from the hubby’s Blackberry. The police was taking his statement. The front of our car was smashed. You can see the other party’s white pick-up dented.

No one was hurt. But our afternoon and evening plans had to be cancelled changed. It was a huge damper after the fabulous morning that we just had.

Actually to be fair, we had already started celebrating my birthday the night before. My sweet hubby decided that my birthday celebration would start at Singapore time. Woohoo!

I was presented with a lovely dinner of champagne and sashimi. My favourite way of life. Literally would be the last meal I would want to have if I were to die the next day.

I always get to pop and pour. It’s my thing.

Anyways, accident or not, it turned out to be a fabulous day. Friends came to help with the accident thingy and took us under their wings and brought me home to sing KTV and eat a steak dinner. Is that the best birthday or what?

Hundreds of friends and readers left me birthday messages. It was so so sweet. Thank you. *blows kisses*

I have lots of thoughts this year because I feel like the past year has been the most significant year of my life. I feel.. well.. old. Not old as in physically old. Well, that too, but won’t whine about that here. I feel like I’ve grown up so much in this one single year.

I’m a lot calmer and collected these days and don’t freak out as quickly over everything now. *hubby rolling his eyes*

I’m more selfless and don’t think about what I can get back for everything that I do for others now. I just record what everyone owes me in a small black book.

I know what I want in my life now and what’s important. And I never ever thought this day would come.

And I have backaches and fall asleep while watching TV now. Sigh. Yes, like an old woman.

The accident and day left us me too tired to cut my own birthday cake so we did it the next day. It was like my birthday celebrations stretched over 3 days. Haha!

And yeah, part of being old older also means I no longer beat myself up over getting such poor shots of my birthday cake. I just made it blurrer prettier with Photoshop and plonked it here.

Aahh.. it’s nice getting old.
 

Life as an expatriate is hard. Being in foreign land. Away from family and old friends. Some days can be pretty rough.

Here’s some random stuff I do that always cheers me and makes me feel that life is perfect. =)

(1) Say No. Without feeling guilty.
No, I can’t do this.. Nope, I’m not cooking dinner... No, I’m going to skip that party... No, I can’t do that in time. Sorry...

(2) Know and respect my favourite drink. And find time to drink it at least twice a week. We stock our fridge with Mulderbosch Chenin Blanc as seriously as we stock milk.

(3) Sing. I sing to Tom Cat and when he sings back in that cutesy voice, it tickles me. I feel happy.

(4) Be with friends who are NICE. Hugs, kisses and good conversations always leave me feeling like life is wonderful.

(5) Be with friends who are CRAZY. The ones that make you the best mojitos and then get you on the dance floor are the best.

(6) Eat cake. A huge slice of red velvet cake and my life is seriously complete.

(7) Help someone. I swear this is the best feel good thing to do. After every Help Portrait session, my heart is swelled to the size of my head and I have a smile on my face all day.

(8) Make a collage. I like to make a collage of happy faces and happy times. It forces me to look for the smiles and reminds me that life isn’t bad, it’s just my day that is.

(9) Hug my husband. And make sure he hugs me back properly. Sometimes that’s all I need. =)

(10) Be contented! No matter how much we have in life, it’ll never be great till the day we feel we have enough.

Have a great weekend, everyone!
 

This week.. I’ve had little sleep. My fingers are numb from shooting tons of pictures for Help Portrait. Baked and cooked lots. Caught up with friends. Chilled with gal pals. And am really looking forward to the weekend.

Life is crazy hectic. But very fulfilling right now.

How did a housewife get so busy? It’s almost dawn. Time to get some sleep..
 

I’ve never done this before. Write about someone that I’ve never met or known personally.

But this man has made such an exceptional impact on my life, that I found myself feeling sad when I read that he has passed today. At the age of 56. The world has lost a great talent.

I remember the day I decided to make the switch from a PC to a Macbook Pro. I probably did it because I felt like I needed some change in my life. Itchy housewifey backside. But making that switch ended up changing my life. I love my Macbook Pro and now our children love theirs too. It’s an amazing machine and if you have not been “touched” by one, get your hands on it. I swear, you will never turn back.

Do I need to go into why I love my iPhone? It’s my constant companion and it practically keeps my life organised. I had resisted getting myself an iPhone for the longest time because I’m a cheapskate housewife who was happy with a cheap Nokia phone. But now I tell everyone that I should have gotten it way earlier. Now I would be lost without it.

.. If you use a computer or smartphone today, it is either one he created, or an imitation of his genius. He changed the way movies are made, the way music is sold, the way stories are told, the very way we interact with the world around us. He helped us work, and gave us new ways to play. He was a myth made man..

- Excerpt from Gizmodo.com’s article on Steve Jobs today.

But the point of wanting to write about the great man who revolutionalised the technology world and brought these wonderful gadgets into our world isn’t just to rave about his achievements.

The moment I read about his demise, the first thing I thought was.. oh my goodness, he was SO young. It made me realise that no matter how great the achievements one has, how large the wealth that one has acquired.. no matter how big one’s empire is.. or how successful, respected, important one may have been.. we are all human and can never escape sickness and death.

Life is fragile and so scarily short. This is yet another reminder to me that we must follow our hearts and live our lives well. We have to stop chasing things that are trivial and live the lives that we want, do the things we want to do and love all the people in our lives that matter to us.